I hear you.
Obviously, eat fibre etc etc. If that’s not possible then the bare minimum I’d suggest is getting some psyllium husk. It’s cheap and easy to get powdered fibre. Add a teaspoon to water and drink quickly. Or on your cereal, etc, and eat it.
Though I personally don’t like the taste so I take it in water just before bed.

Also, spray bidet. If nothing else then get one. It’s a game changer. There are ways to attach them to your pipes with no cutting, etc, as well.

Have your monumental turd then spray and dab. Spray more if necessary.
No more wiping and wiping. Just spray, dab, check, spray more if needed.
Your arsehole will thank me.

I know, I was playing along.

I’ve also seen pictures of it being spelt in both different ways, and they both looked genuine. No idea if they were or clever fakes though

You spelt that wrong, mate.

Bah, humbug!